Lifeline……Those!Audio Tapes.

me too printed paper wall decor
Photo by Lum3n.com on Pexels.com

The photograph above? It’s one of 5 choices from the WordPress free photograph library that I can access and use in my blogs. The other 4? 3 females and a person self harming. No male victim! Oh! I only typed in the word ‘abuse’ as a search term. So, then I tried ‘male abuse’. Oh!……Nothing. ‘Men being abused’? Nope….nothing. 

So……..Johnny Depp. After my earlier blogs about JD? Recent updates in the news.

https://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-7947733/Amber-Heard-admits-hitting-ex-husband-Johnny-Depp-pelting-pots-pans-tape.html

https://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-7966723/Amber-Heard-ridicules-Johnny-Depp-claiming-hes-domestic-violence-victim.html

Expected and hoped fors for many years. But no joy in listening and reading. Just sadness really. A guy going through a tumultuous time, over a fair few years, and experiencing so much grief and heartache of which I can only guess at how it would feel. No! I’ll change that. I could have NO idea what you would feel. But what I do admire? His gentleness. Exasperated in some replies in the recent audios of conversations between himself and Amber Heard, he is still willing to seek a solution that would benefit the ‘significant other’ in this situation. And, one last observation. Audio tapes……bring a whole different dynamic to reading the transcript of those tapes. You can hear the voices and glean reality of what is going on here. 

La La make believe land is truly confirmed with the ongoing events re: Johnny Depp/Amber Heard. Recent audio tapes on YouTube from the source that is the Daily Mail. 

So……How do you, as a female abuser, get out of the guilty history regarding audio self confessed abuse in this situation? Over the years? Maybe, after the abuse has happened for the first time and then on subsequent occasions? It’s then you know, deep down, it’s going to all come to light in the end. So! Lie in bed at night, plan imagined film script scenarios in your head of what you’re going to say, record, garner false evidence and build a great big rocket that will protect you, change the actual story and dream of the public support that will project to ‘stardom’. When the time is right. Or the game is up. When push comes to shove…..shout the planned abuse claims out as reality. But hey. Ironically, reality, when seen in the light of day, actually bites. The person you have been gaslighting? They don’t respond angrily. They respond by saying ’I love you’. He wants to future protect you. He wants to play in a neutral zone and adopt the pretence scenario of…’We’ll say we both contributed’. He’s magnanimous. He proffers choice. He wants her to go forward and carry on with her ambitions. He wants to throw down a lifeline. But the buttons just ‘kept on being pushed’ until……..‘You know? I give up! Let’s go to court and we’ll see the actual TRUTH. And I’ll be standing on the right side of the roaring rapids’.

There is an awful lot of Johnny Depp supporters out there in the world and they’ve witnessed the guy’s true character over many, many decades presenting himself…….well, as Johnny does. With humility and respect to other human beings. And those supporters have been relentless in pursuit of the truth. 

They are the people out there who abhor injustice. They gave me hope. They were truly….brave and pro-active. Doug Stanhope, Marilyn Manson, Vanessa Paradis, Lily Rose, and many more celebrities. And then there were the general public. Autumn on Venus, That Brian Fella, Mandy @queenbpip on YouTube and social media. Their presentations gave me goosebumps. Alongside all of the actors, writers, artists, musicians? They also knew who the real Johnny Depp was.  People of strength, insight and tenacity. My contribution? WordPress blogs of a cathartic nature. I’m no activist. But I am a nurse who has ethics in searching for well being and the protection of human beings. And I abhor bullying and injustice.

What really happens though, as truth and enlightenment develop? The abuse campaign was, and still is, so relentless in its ambition, you still hunt down for answers/clues within the information framework to throw another spark of relief to quell your squirmy gut feelings. What’s it like? It’s like…….You’ve been at the theatre and watched an unbelievably gruelling and tense psychological chiller production. Johnny has played his part and comes to sit at the back of the theatre to watch the rest of the cast. It’s ends, but……There is no ‘Final Curtain’. It’s encore, after encore, after encore. Brazen faced encores. You’re stuck in the theatre and you, and Johnny too, just all want it to end so you can finally go home. To safety. 

And the opposite party and the lawyers. They’ve created and jumped on their own Mystery Train. Do they actually believe in their journey? It’s like made up pretended envisaged reality in the past to promote perceived reality in the future. It became Mind games versus Reality. Little, and larger, media bomb drops at particular times. Information dropped about where the train was heading. Arriving at unknown stations that stank of the surreal. And all this bizarreness? Adding to Johnny Depp’s isolation, alienation and loneliness. I can’t begin to explain how frustrating it felt, and still feels.

It’s not fair, ethically wrong, extremely unjust and has, at the heart of it, a persistence in supporting something so deserving of censure and condemnation. Of how it is both received and then reported gives me a sense of betrayal. I feel betrayed by so called journalists. I feel betrayed by cosmetic and film companies. I am witnessing an agenda that wreaks of something rotten. It’s the bare faced ‘carry on regardless’ tenacity of ‘We will not back down’. And over the months and years. It’s a rollercoaster ride of emotions. Reprehensible. And then? Those wonderfully insightful tapes. The saving grace in all the years of constant belittling to our compassions for seeing someone falsely accused.

But, No! Even with these tapes it just carries on. A constant barrage of lies with the results of not being able to disengage from our frustrations. The patience required in all of this terrible journey that simply chips away at you. Wears you down. Over and over. Johnny Depp, at the centre of it all, deserves every respect for dealing with this. When he presents the truth with words on these tapes? They still try to blow away every presentation and simply attack and attack. They swoop aside the evidence, like it never existed and, in doing so, make themselves look like sinister. As said. There is something distinctly rotten about all of this.

I’d just read Murakami’s 1Q84 book and ‘the town of cats’ theme in the book hit resonated in my mind. Powerful stuff and extremely claustrophobic. 

‘The young man knows that he is irretrievably lost. This is no town of cats, he finally realises. It is the place where he is meant to be lost. It is another world, which has been prepared especially for him. And never again, for all eternity, will the train stop at this station to take him back to the world he came from.’

Haruki Murakami ~~ Town of Cats

Again. Breathe in deeply once again and…..Focus on positives. They thought there would be only one winner. But the Johnny Depp supporters knew his history. The actual person that he is. And that’s where the wheels will fall off the Mystery train. I wasn’t on a mystery train. I was on a straight up truth seeking journey. I’d already bought my own train ticket. London to Manchester. Reality to Truth. I knew I would get on in London and off at Manchester. Somewhere in this obvious journey, rationalisation and eventual reality had to surface. It’s what you cling to in your belief. But you don’t expect the absolute garbage ride it becomes. Looking out the windows on this journey seeing garbage alongside the tracks. And it is still happening. Myself and my fellow passengers are still not at Manchester yet.

Make believe? It is. Trying to make believe this is real. It is presented by flipping the victim coin and ‘Hey! You know what? I’m the one abused here!’ Abuse mentally on top of abuse physically. An attempt to make you believe in a false story.

But…..It involves treading onto a tight rope wire stretched across a deep hole that contains a whirlpool of madness. Panic. Irrationality, and thinking fast. In order to build a story for self survival. Fantasy land. Hollywood plastic presentation and watching too many movies where the ending is ‘going to be perfect’. A flawed scenario will always be just that. And it will get found out. As I said before. I wrote a song with the lyric ‘One truth beats a million lies……..every time’.  

You know? Johnny Depp is right. Don’t watch your own performances back in your films. I can’t imagine why. Maybe he either doesn’t like watching himself on a huge screen (shyness personified). Or maybe he knows his work is the best he could wish for (the thinker, the analysis, study and belief that the character he is about to present will turn out ok). Or, again, maybe he doesn’t want to watch because he may pick his performances apart and wish he’d done things differently (the reflector in what reality, when witnessed, does present). Like hearing your voice on a tape or a recent photograph and saying or thinking ‘That’s not what I thought I would sound or look like!’ We are our own worst critics of ourselves. Those audio tapes? Listening back by both parties. What would or could go through their minds? He kept going back into the situation, trying to repair her I feel. Didn’t want to give up. A humanitarian who seeks a better outcome for all. 

Outcome? This is the most important part in all of this. Because it is going to court. And until a verdict is found? You can never say “Guilty” or “Not guilty”. Opinion and inherently believing in “this is how it truly went” is still that. Opinion. The law is the law. So, we have to wait for the final curtain. And hope for no encores.

These audio tapes of private conversations are heartbreaking. There is a relentless battering of verbal diarrhoea. It’s destruction. The strength and will to argue what is actually reality? It can’t be rationalised, grasped and nailed to the mast. It’s a circle of chaos surrounding him. It’s like catching smoke. He’s drowning. And when I’m reading, listening to all this over the years Harry Nilsson’s song ‘Lifeline’ keeps playing in my head……..over and over.

These first of, probably, very many audio tapes. The sitting down exchanging conversation to sort out the marriage? He sounds exhausted. Numb. It’s a barrage of Me, me me. And ‘You run away….it’s always your fault!’ The second? He’s away from the situation and yet, still, the fantasy persists. It truly is heartbreaking. And yet, as said, he still wants to help heal. Then there must come a time when you do want to just get out and split…….permanently. Fantasy land in someone’s brain was seen to be a long train running. And that final flip of the coin in totally bringing a ‘You abused me Johnny’ got that response of ‘My God!’ That’s when it just came crashing down and he gave up. 

“You don’t want to make f**king nice nice? I’m trying. I’m trying. 
But you know what? I loved you for so many f**king years but you know what? You didn’t exist. You don’t exist. You’re not there. You’re not there. You are a f**king made up thing in my head. And I can’t believe you are doing this to me”.  

It’s the audio tapes that really have hit home. They truly have affected many of us. 

2 Comments

  1. Hi Gray. Just a contact to say thanks for the likes and comments on my posts.
    I cannot comment on your posts about Johnny Depp; I know the name of course but little else.
    I have intended to comment on some of your other post but so far haven’t done so.
    I’m trying to write a post on the relief of getting good news (from my medical consultant) having been led to expect the opposite but that has proved more difficult than I thought. So I fallen back on commenting on current reading (for some reason I’ve suddenly began to read, not as avidly as I once did, but more than for some time).

    Like

    1. Thanks for getting touch. The words to describe your feelings re: good news. Maybe spontaneous scribbling, with a bit of crossing out afterwards. My patients have words that lay under the surface of their facial expressions. I couldn’t put words to how I see their feelings. I can only feel their responses. Maybe no words are needed. Just gentleness in your own inner relief. WordPress and response? My main problem is actually responding to others because WordPress takes you on different access journeys. Not a Technophile I’m afraid. Lovely to read your thoughts, expressions and wordage from your own mind. Been to Halifax in abundance over the last year and a half. Stopped in a converted Millhouse in Brighouse. Been looking after our friend’s Vegan shop in the Piece Hall. Must say….friendly bunch up north. Concerning Johnny Depp. It’s more the thought of injustice really. Male abuse is firmly swept under the carpet. I’m tired of witnessing his fight to clear his name. Now audio tapes have surfaced, they paint a picture of what the voice tells you and not what words can describe emotionally. So? Back to your relief. Words may not be enough. All the best and good fortune.

      Liked by 1 person

Leave a Comment

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s