From Simplicity to Disregard. Or? Chaos versus Order?

This hat. Simplicity? Nope. Someone took hours making this. Once much nicer when new? No. Because now it has lived and obtained patina. Lived a few lives maybe. And survived them all. Once also. Much worse. Worse why? I found it for 50p in a charity shop filthy, truly filthy and out of shape. Battered with constant wear it seemed. Stuck on a cheap polystyrene white dummy head that shows off ’headwear for sale’ in shops. The hat itself? Maybe belonged to an eccentric. A gardener. The hat of someone homeless. It obviously had and held fascinating stories. But kept it’s secrets hidden.

It got me thinking. Way back when, to when I was a teenager. A process of exciting, and yet, unlooked for life change. Developing my own ’Patina’. Thirst of new endeavour (note not plural. I wanted something singular that truly belonged to me long term. For me! Just for? Me! Mine. This will be Me!) OK! STOP. Too much egotistical ME! Then!…..failure in realisation it’s not for me……and toss it to the side……but carry on seeking…..the next step of life’s offering. So many choices out there. On, and on, and on, and……oh for who knows how long? And for who’s sake? Not for my sake. For some little worm dream in the brain sake. Yes! For some unattainable dream realisation sake. A challenge? Or appeasing boredom? And…..To now? Present day now…..Disregard. Disregard it all. And sudden realisation…….when I’m in retirement age. Do I want to disregard it all…..and wind down?

I had purpose all along the way. Life’s way. Believing in the early days. The middle year’s. Even…..The later year’s. Thirst for all things. Looking and searching and learning. A belief in every given moment. Joy in what each ‘chasing the unknown’ offered. I continued the ‘don’t know, don’t understand, but want to experience and learn’. Whatever each subject came up with. This will be my purpose in life. But…..when each chosen element of submerging into a subject of interest began to change….then really began to ‘rankle the senses’ change…..and then eventually….’REALLY? Is this in reality what I’ve been wasting my recent time with? Give me a break! Enough of this and just give it up’. I changed….I backed off. Not because it was difficult or not achievable. But that it simply lost it’s self import and I just wanted it out of my life and…..far, far away. I can’t give any of  it the one word, the exact moment, the lightbulb moment when the link to all that altered simplicity changed to the decision of ‘I have to Disregard it’s actual purpose’ happened. The subject choices? They always ‘just did’. They didn’t let me down. But in all honesty…..I let them down. My failure….not theirs.

And now? I’m in complete disregard sensibility. Why? Because realisation exists that whatever I seek, satisfaction will never exist. I truly do, with hindsight, realise that ‘Simplicity’ is the key word. But in a ‘keen to find out about stuff’ mind? Simplicity does not exist. Thirst for the unlocked fors is ever present.

Will simplicity of my yearned fors in early life return? I don’t think so. Simplicity? Naive. The task driven and eventual hoped for total understanding of my chosen subject choices can and never will be truly self understood, will never be achieved. The choices I made regarding my chosen subjects that I wished would result in some harmony? Yearned for…Peace in understanding, This is the one. Finally my life’s ambition realised. And yet…again. There you go! Let Down……and yet….this was supposed to be the subject of choice that would be my ultimate dream. Do I now live life in Disregard? Nothing matters? No. No way! Not healthy. Not helpful. Not hopeful. Not the reason we are born. 

And then what can happen at any given moment?

Buy a beautiful £1.00 charity shop map book of Europe (all of Europe) when I’m visiting Halifax and get to thinking ‘Maybe I could plan a route from England to Utopia and experience every given moment along the way in my beautiful VeeDub. Buy a set of old fashioned nibs that dip into inkwells. A collection of about 3 dozen. Ooooh! They’re interesting! Let’s find some paper and ink. Write in more journals. Essential oils in my wife’s shop. What are they all about? Seek out their therapeutic properties and apply them to Nurse practice.

And so the story goes. To where? No one knows. Borne from? Well! Out of promises and worn out wishes.

That lyric came from around a Christmas time a few years back. Got the tune and the chords way back then. But not the confidence to record it and load it up to this site. That’s it in a nutshell. There…..but not yet complete.

Like this hat. Buy an old beaten up and filthy old out of shape handmade straw Panama hat from Oxfam for 50p. And then after it is gently cleaned and dried I see it is from Christy’s and worth an absolute money bomb. Why expensive? Because someone has taken a long time to make it. I’ve saved a beautiful gift that someone took pride in making to give to the World. Therefore? It’s story is not yet complete. But it’s life stories? They are……..Priceless.

So the hat was steeped in chaos. Been there in it’s witnessing interesting life stories, left it’s owner/owners and was on it’s last legs. Found at low ebb and subsequently finds a new lease of life. A new journey. New owner……it became alive again. New stories awaiting for it to witness. That’s why vintage rocks!

I suppose, I realise, that I have the heart of a Romantic, but the mind of a Virgo. Maybe that’s been my problem. Chaos versus perfect planning. That is…..the dreams of jump into the fire of the unknown versus order of feet on the ground safety and planning……..Chaos and Order. My life was and is full of failing maybe. No. My life could never fail. It carry’s on seeking.

Chaos to Order. Maybe. Or maybe ’Ne’er the Twain should meet’. Chaos for chaos sake and it’s unpredictability.

And so my blogs shall continue regardless. Happy chaotic days ahead then. Lovely.

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