#Health Matters

Focus to Blur.

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Focus to Blur.

Just appears in a short period of events. The norm nowadays at early waking from a fitful night is to find sanctuary in past photograph images. In the Jetpack App Media are thousands of photographs. Years of blogging subject imagery. What it does, upon scrolling down and tapping a fair few limited viewing thumbnail sized photos to enlarge and study with reflection of what once was, is to give comfort. Comfort in the knowledge that life has had very many interesting inclusions. Even spending time collecting for cigar box inclusions from To Kill a Mockingbird. An intended birthday gift for someone.

A fair few months were spent gathering the items for Scout’s cigar box from ‘To Kill a Mockingbird’. I searched the internet and eBay Worldwide over months to get the items. Had to make the little dolls myself though. Even the cigar box make was the same as the make in the film. Many of the items here were too. Focus was required.
Items hunted for the cigar box inclusions.
To Kill a Mockingbird.
The Original Mockingbird blog. A Google typed search for the ‘book title with cigar box added’ has both images and the blog high on the search engine. I thought more people would have made their own versions. Or similar ones of favourite items in a cigar box collective. But it doesn’t seem so. Cigar box uses? Great for making guitars though apparently.

This year’s start was one bathed in illness. A continuation from start of December last year. It has been a bit of a ‘remember you’re older now in life’ mind changer in a fair few ways. It becomes impactful when you find yourself struggling with inherent invasion from viruses, exhaustion, confusion and general apathy. Catching Covid a few years ago had the same result. The inherent virus knocks you down to the floor and one’s human spirit is smashed for months on end. Possibly, on reflection, for years. General feelings of being no longer as robust in holistic terms plays on the mind in a sinister manner. Vulnerability is something alien to an ever active mind. It goes against the grain. And it goes without saying that it is obviously an unwelcome guest. Becoming a recluse, introvert in nature and hiding away is akin to holing up and licking one’s wounds. Yes, you go on little holiday break excursions. But it’s going through the motions. Home truly becomes the place in where the heart is.

Writing with intent has become less of an enjoyable activity. Typing blogs has replaced the general enjoyment of the tactile fountain pen script and smell of paper and ink.

Last night it was an act of going through the motions. Turned on the GarageBand set up. Chose a drum track from the library offerings. Extended it to a one minute loop. Put my Bass guitar into the audio interface and just started playing different twelve bar blues riffs over and over. Almost Mantra like. Didn’t record it initially. Too many bum notes and mistakes. No focus at all. Eventually pushing ‘record’, the simplest notes played of an A to D to E sequence was captured. Then. Picked up a six string electric guitar, didn’t tune it exactly at all and played a terrible chord sequence over bass and drums. Then picked up on a fair few keyboard choices and just chose random sounds and played very simple melodies. Added quirky inclusions by hitting little percussion rhythm sound choices on single keyboard pads. Focus, again, went out the window. Apathy? Not really. Just seeing where the simple notes went with each other. I know it could have a simple separate melody on vocal or an instrument to lift it completely. But somehow the mind remained dull to tuneful exploration. Going through the motions, yet with no intent or purpose. Strangely it was cathartic. A nod to being non committal in seeking something new. It can wait for another day. At least music was present, albeit naive. I love hearing Jonny Mozza’s philosophical views on his YouTube channel. Just play and record your music however it sounds.

FINAL VERSION. S.O.S. CLEAN START TO NOTHING.
S.O.S. CLEAN START TO NOTHING. Pre FINAL VERSION.
A total piece of nothing of note recorded. Cathartic nonetheless.

Exhaustion is a very real situation after a flu virus hits the system. It eats into intent. Into plans. Into the vibrancy of what life can offer. Read a book for all of 5 minutes. Keep the Frankie Fella cat entertained for half an hour periods by just going through the ‘toy mouse on the end of a piece of cotton game’ motions. Tap on the iPad to read nonsense in FB social media. Delete hundreds of unwanted emails over and over. Delete web internet history from sites you can’t ever remember visiting at all. Make endless hot drinks and sit drinking them whilst staring into space. Watch daytime rubbish TV programmes. Think of what the doctor wants to tell you is wrong with your recent blood results. ‘Not urgent’ says the receptionist. ‘He says it can wait a week for the appointment’. But it still niggles the mind. Like schooldays. ‘See me after the lesson’ said at start of lesson is a cruel teacher’s psychological ploy. ‘What about sir?’ No answer….just ignored.

Photograph taken by my daughter.

Talking with patients who had caught pneumonia, advice given was always ‘Be prepared to feel absolutely floored for a fair few weeks. Even months. Patience and rest is required to heal. Don’t push yourself unnecessarily’. Recovery, recuperation and rehabilitation were the framed utterances out of my nurse mouth. I knew those three simple ideals were never ever that simple. When someone has acquired an illness or disease that alters their self perception significantly, they are far more vulnerable than what we witness of their perceived biological recovery.

Photograph by Gray Summers.

Illness is never truly treated with that reality when it’s your own. You just keep going. Catching the debilitating flu is bad enough. Subsequent viral or bacterial infection in the lungs is an added whammy. But you tell yourself ‘Okay, now at the tail end of all symptoms, a brighter outlook has to be in the Summers’ psyche’. But the currently aching body says ‘What was, and still is, all that/this about?’ It’s not hypochondria. It’s knowing you’ve been truly harmed. With a second time virus visit too.

The below literature paper is a really interesting link in regarding recovery from illness. Reading it with an ex nurse’s mind, it was basically what was similarly read a fair few years back when I was in the nurse role. The thought of overcoming the biological injuries, but still feeling mentally that you are no longer as once was, is interesting. Maybe today’s virus impact is so invasive we are not getting back to the same degree of soundness.

https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC8019304/

20 thoughts on “Focus to Blur.”

  1. Regarding that cigar box from ‘To Kill a Mockingbird’. Wow! You did such an incredible job putting that together, Gray! I have a similar if not same pocket watch, but not sure if it was my maternal grandfather’s watch or one my dad picked up along life’s way.
    As for your illness, I am so glad your recovering. I will listen to your recordings in the morning. I just happened to see this post after waking in the middle of the night from a dream.
    I agree that to recover means to return, but what most overlook is that we are all still progressing in age at the same time too! I told Richard yesterday that I feel like we are always taking two steps back (aging), as we try to take one step forward in life now. But I have been in a funk for a fair few days.

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    1. It was fun putting it together. The Soelling Bee was far too expensive to buy. Hardly any of them out there of that age. The pocket watch was a nice find from the USA. And the coins were easy to source.

      The medical literature link here is fairly straightforward reading and makes a lot of sense. It is how we learned to communicate with patients who had chronic illnesses when undertaking my Master’s course. So is a familiar subject. But never really applied this to myself before. As you say, two steps back is getting too familiar presently.

      The recording isn’t anything really other than a throwaway example for the blog theme. Just doing something for something’s sake. A year plus ago it was pick up a pen and write for fun. Now it’s play a bit of music. Cheers Sheila.

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      1. Ah, makes sense (about the medical literature), and recording. I did take a listen. Worthwhile. Sounded like you were experimenting. That’s good! Getting back in the swing is a good thing! However and whatever will loosen up your creativity and then… who knows!

        I don’t know what Soelling Bee is, but yes, we’ve all got to watch our pennies.

        So, Richard’s buddy (who produced a good many of our demos), he sent us an AI song generator. OMG! I created a song this morning with two different versions produced, and I love both of them! I am creating videos for both to put on YouTube. I will write about them tomorrow. I did send Richard your comment about Bandcamp and Dill but he never commented, so I don’t know if he listened or not. This new song generator has really been keeping him busy! He’s making videos for his new songs too! It’s going to save us thousands of dollars for sure! We are using the free version currently.

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      2. Sorry. That should have read Spelling Bee, the USA spelling competition medal. That little music piece was just a therapeutic exercise to pass time. So nothing specific. I do have tunes running around my mind presently and a few sung with guitar into the iPad as little captures. So, once back to being fully focused and voice not cracking, it’ll be nice to record properly. Both a few new ones and some choices from the experiments recorded over the last months.

        Richard may not see Dill’s music as his cup of tea really. But he may be interested in the way the AI is put together by him. It’s good that you have both found new motivation concerning your videos and music. I did wonder if it would save you money. And you can choose your styles more specifically. Cheers Sheila.

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      4. It’s great that you found an alternative. I will continue playing my own music with Steve and John. The project has that aim. It sounds like you are going to find success in the new venture Sheila. All the best.

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  3. Sounds alright mate….I was told by Steve Williams to make sure the sound engineer records everything you play even if it’s a practice run – sometimes you can get on a roll and when they ask you to play what you did earlier you’ve got a reference..I agree with Jonny Mozzo put it down while it’s in your head..S

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    1. I usually capture on the iPad with ideas. But it makes more sense to get ideas down on the Mac system now. Learn more as to how it works. And can be used if it is a one off riff with a particular sound. This ditty here though was just a bit of therapy. I was zoned out of writing melody with intent. It became a little jam with myself.

      Steve Williams sounds really clued up. And Jonny actually says release stuff out there and don’t keep it hidden away too. Muck about with songs too long and they lose the uniqueness. He also says, if you think you aren’t likely to get thousands upon millions of listens…..then don’t beat yourself over the head with worrying what people think. And if you do get thousands of listens out of the blue, then all is good anyway.

      I put anything out there to show a journey is happening here. Still got to get to the destination this year though. And my warblings? It gives others confidence too if you put out your little weird experiments.

      Cheers Shep.

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      3. Hey Shep. I added a bit more to that last little 12 bar ditty. I kind of like the vibe. The first audio. It says FINAL VERSION. S.O.S. CLEAN START TO NOTHING. I reckon it would be nice to add some real strings to future songs. Cheers.

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  5. wishing you well, Gray …and hope you feel better soon. Reading through gave me a bit of shiver for some reason… probably thinking back to covid experiences. Take care 🤗

    To Kill a Mockingbird… it was my set book in my last year of school … an intense read as I recall it. And I’m a Lord of the Rings fan too ( I suppose everyone is lol..😂)

    ( Gray….any word from Cookie ? )

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    1. Thank you. I am feeling better Destiny. Viruses are very draining and can be around a while leaving you feeling symptoms still. I read To Kill a Mockingbird a fair few years ago. It is intense. And the Lord of the Rings was an amazing game changer when read as a teenager. Just opened up a whole new experience for myself. I have sent cookie well wishes for the New Year a while back. But no reply. cookie doesn’t have replies or comments appear immediately, so not really sure if read or not. I was going to ask you the same question. Maybe taking a break from the blogging as we have. Or writing new songs maybe. All the best to you and good fortune with this new year ahead. Time to take it more easily this year I think. 😊🙏🏽.

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      1. my pleasure…
        and glad to hear you’re feeling better.
        I dropped msgs too, but no response. It’s weird to not see Cookie around especially on your posts and mine too. Then again, those breaks come in so suddenly – hope all is well.

        most certainly… the “easier” is definitely a major feature this year. All the best your way too, Gray…and thank you 🤍

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