I was beginning to handwrite these thoughts below, down onto paper. And am now typing them down in continuation of a few lines. Asking myself, with use of pen and ink, to write down a list of ideas to cement the realisation that the Cloud 9 VeeDub Bus project would be achievable.
With no visual imagination (a condition I have called aphantasia), any project cannot be brought to the Mind’s Eye. When closing my eyes, no visual presence, other than a blank grey/black screen, exists. No ironic image of Bugs Bunny saying ‘That’s all folks’.
Then the penny dropped. I couldn’t hear him say it either. Realisation has now dropped that auditory presence of anything doesn’t exist either. Both verbal or musical.
The sentiments of Bugs’ words are actually my whole existence. I typed the question into Google Chrome. ‘How many people can actually hear music or someone’s voice in their mind?’ Apparently 98% can. Following up a search for a similar question regarding smell, taste and touch there were various % numbers. However, with these latter three senses, there is much to consider. It is almost an algorithm of triggers in the experiences of how memory or ‘that current moment in time’ varies regarding smell, taste or touch in the imaginative mind’s presence.
The irony in all of this, is that, in the role of staff nurse I would hunt down information by researching questions that patients came up with. Their worries would be exchanged and then my investigation would ensue. And yet, in my naivety, innocence and possible avoidance, no pennies dropped as to my own condition. Reading others’ perspective on their own condition of Aphantasia, they too thought everyone else was the same as themselves. I can tell you it comes as a massive shock to realise the reality of others’ abilities to ‘see, hear, etc.’. in the mind. I thought that words used like ‘It took me right back to my schooldays’ were generalisations. Teaching Mindfulness and asking people to ‘close your eyes and visualise sitting on a bank whilst imagining looking at leaves dropping from trees into the water’ was the moment the penny dropped. My past self Mindfulness experiences were simple. I knew the basic premise of ‘focus on the present moment’ and used external subjects to focus on.
I spoke to my sister this afternoon. She can hear songs easily in her mind, taste an orange, etc. if thinking about it, limbic ‘smell’ certain aromas not present that can then take her back visually to specific times. I know my brother has a fantastic visual mind’s eye. I need to ask him if he can imaginatively bring up the other senses too.
The internet search into sound and song absence led me down very many rabbit holes. So back to Bugs Bunny essentially.
I realise now, that I have a form of total lack of the 5 Mind Senses. Alongside the visual are also auditory, smell, taste and touch. Nothing exists other than the reality of these senses as they are being performed or received in real life.
‘Here then, Mr. Summers. You say you have auditory aphantasia too. How do you get a melody or ideas to your songs then?’
Answer? No idea. No melody plays out in my mind. I can only explain it by one of my subconscious written lyrics.
‘Become the prophet in the corners of a worn down mind.
Pen a tune and seize the day.
You can always sing.
La, La, La, La……..
It always chases the blues away’.
When no little melody exists ‘audio like’ in my brain, I have often said that I chase down in to the deeper neural synapses within and wait for tunes to lose their gentle, shy existence and come out to say hello. They show their true existence in a resulting La, La, sound coming from some deep place moments later upon the lips. And, all things considering, that sounds rather fanciful. But actually not far from the truth.
In reality, I actually have no idea where they come from as I do not hear them internally. They exist in neural pathways that are a musical equivalent of simple thought. When out in the open, these songs sung are whispers’ based. Developing into a product of full on A-cappella. Following picking up my guitar or stabbing on single piano keys a tune can be externally presented to catch and cement them even more. The guitar gives me opportunity to hear the harmonies existing within the chords played. Also, after hearing guitar sound, further existing harmonies are captured in a way I can not explain. There is a floating unknown ethereal phenomena of simply knowing a separate piece of music developed can actually fit and be attached to the song’s collection. It is impossible to hear layers of tunes in my mind if I cannot even hear single tunes at all. So I have no idea how it all happens.
As Toyah Wilcox sings:
‘It’s a mystery, it’s a mystery
I’m still searching for a clue
It’s a mystery to me
A shot in the dark
The big question mark in history
Is it a mystery to you?’
And yes, I did have to Google search for the lyrics. I could hum some of the verse and chorus melody, and only the first line of the chorus actually in word form. That was because it is the title. Yet, I loved that song back then. And did sing the words when listening after a few times. Maybe I had a younger brain with more plasticity. Interestingly, I read the verse lyrics and was surprised. Did the content of the song theme impact my thoughts subliminally. They certainly resonated/resonate very much with my thoughts to how I have experienced, and still experience, life.
‘Somewhere in the distance. Hidden from view. Suspended in the atmosphere. Waiting to come through. Sometimes it’s so far away. Sometimes it’s very near. Sound being carried by the wind. Just loud enough to hear. Feel its power within me. Bells ringing in my head. So often I have heard its cry. But forgotten what it said. It can treat you with a vengeance. Trip you in the dark. Sirens in the distance. Can steer you from the path. It can lift you to the heavens. Put your troubles in the past. Whisper the elixir. Then vanish in a blast’.
QUESTION: IN CAPITAL LETTERS DUE TO IMPORTANCE FOR FURTHER INVESTIGATION.
IF I DO NOT POSSESS, IN MIND’S EYE RECOLLECTION FACTORS, THE BASIC UMBRELLA OF THE 5 MAIN SENSES OF VISUAL, SOUND, SMELL, TOUCH, TASTE…….
AM I TAPPING INTO A NETWORK OF UNDERLYING ‘SENSES’ THAT ARE ALMOST ALGORITHMIC. THE POSSIBILITIES OF 6 UP TO DOZENS UPON DOZENS OF FURTHER TYPES. ARE THESE ALSO, MAYBE, SENSES? IS IT THOSE EXTRA PERCEIVED SENSES THAT EXIST FROM 6 to DOZENS THAT GET ME TO ACTUALLY FEEL EMOTIONS, ANSWERS, EXPERIENCES, ETC..
ALL I KNOW IS THAT, HOW I ACHIEVE COMFORT IN LIFE, IS STILL A CONUNDRUM OF QUESTIONS. I KNOW AND UNDERSTAND BECAUSE OF ONGOING DAILY, EVEN MINUTE TO MINUTE, QUESTIONS. ‘WHAT, WHICH, WHY, WHEN, WHO and HOW’. ALL EQUAL TO FURTHER ENQUIRY. HOW DO IDEAS BECOME REALITY? MY MIND IS SIMPLY A WORD CLUTTER. REPEATEDLY IN CYCLIC MODE AT TIMES. CEMENTING IN ROTE FASHION. AND A TOTALITY OF GRASPING AT STRAWS TO REMEMBER EXPERIENCES AND PLACES VISITED THAT I HAVE HAD OVER MY LIFETIME.
VITALLY, AND SO OFTEN, WHEN LEARNING, PLANNING, ORGANISING, IT WAS, AND STILL IS, GOOD TO SIMPLY WRITE IT ALL DOWN.
A LIST IS A GODSEND.
Strangely, I do not forget the truly impactful. I can sing a Beatles or Marc Bolan tune to a song very easily. Well most of them. Maybe not every word or instrumental part. Christmas carols and other songs around this festive time bring a special comfort. Like old friends. But, I can’t even do the beginning to end of my own songs with ease. Ask me to play one of my songs start to finish? I’d be hard pressed to get the chord sequences correct every time. Unless they are present above the typed/written down lyrics in front of my eyes. The tune would change slightly at times and I sometimes warble around the basic melody.
Regarding other memories that stick around? They are all based on familiarity. Like Christmas and its 68 years of Gray Summers experienced situations as to its tradition. I know the warmth and generosity of the season existed. I don’t recall all the experiences though. There are people and other special times in life that gave, and still give, a full blown ‘Here we are’. I know they existed factually. Everything in between those occasions though….. has gone.
Okay. The main events all exist in a fog like presence. A smoky collective of being able to say ‘Yes, I know you are there’. I can say this because they have always been there for me. That is why Christmas, The Beatles, Family, Friends and my own songs that I somehow write are so very vital. And for that I truly thank you and them. Without these it would have been a miserable existence’.
NEXT BLOG WILL BE THE LIST CONSIDERATIONS OF THE CLOUD 9 PROJECT. THAT BEING THE PHILOSOPHY OF WHAT TO INCLUDE IN THE VEEDUB BUS ALONGSIDE SPECIFIC STORYBOARD THEMES TO CONSIDER.
The general ‘Keeping the Pens Alive’ usually performed. Not so atmospheric.
Gray Summers 
Your notes are just beautiful! Mine are a complete mess and lack any aesthetic appeal. Yet I’ve made drawings and notes of extraordinary places – I simply never paid attention to beautiful design. An artist friend of mine celebrates idea books, and I love to lose myself in wonder. Keep it up! You learn to appreciate it with age.
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Thank you Friedrich. With words like this from yourself, and the level of skill you achieve, it is so much appreciated. I can only express my writing style is with a lack of discipline.
The writing freedom came from a very early age. In my junior school I was asked to write out a poem for a Typhoo Tea competition. Not my poetry, but from a well known poet. Which poem or what poet I have no idea. But I was nervous probably and tried too hard. The upshot was that the teacher, upon my finishing the writing, told me I could do it better. So I rewrote it. After that, I just went rogue. Changed from writing with focus and what was seen on the ‘rote style’ blackboard and wrote freely I suppose. Because, I seem to vaguely remember, she was far happier after the second presentation. Secondary school encouraged individuality. This went on to be how I became confident in being happy with my own inherent way of expression. Especially in music. I wrote my own songs early in my teens.
So aesthetically writing has both a lack of control and yet involves a bit of uniform familiarity at the same time.
Your own WP recordings, with the synergy of your art in all its forms, the beautiful settings they are presented in, your photographs from your historical travels, your cultural thoughts and the way you present the philosophy of life is all done so wonderfully well. The comments you receive are very insightful regards your presented energy too. Brilliant to witness and aspire to as a fellow WP and contributor to the arts.
All the best and thank you Friedrich.
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Thank you so much, Gray, for this very kind and thoughtful comment. Reading your generous words, especially coming from a fellow creative like yourself, truly means a great deal to me. It’s an immense compliment.
Your story about your writing freedom and how it developed early on is fascinating. I find it so interesting how a lack of discipline, as you call it, often leads to the most genuine and compelling forms of expression. Perhaps that is the key to the authentic energy you mentioned!
I am deeply honoured that you find my work—be it the synergy of art, the travel photographs, or the philosophical musings—brilliant to witness. It is very encouraging to hear that my efforts to convey a certain approach to life resonate with you.
All the best to you too, and thank you again for taking the time to write such a supportive and inspiring message.
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You do present wonderfully fine subject material Friedrich. And your art is amazing. So it is always a philosophy of mine to show appreciation of what is impactful. Commenting on every upload on blog sites I really enjoy can be very erratic though! Time is the culprit. So cannot express freely. But I believe that once people know you admire what they do, a like and thumbs up is always welcome. Also. People who are keen ‘triers’ are much admired too, because of their intentions. They too can inspire me by witnessing their tenacity to find answers to their desires.
Discipline, both in self form or received externally from others? I never really liked authority to be honest. Others that demand you follow the normality of what is expected. It is so restrictive. And if you struggle to achieve the levels expected, as I often did and still do, it certainly damages confidence. I often think of the discipline of certain Calligraphy forms. And then the freedom of how other Calligraphy presentations can become a wonderful dynamic of self expression. I would certainly say the latter is more my interest.
External discipline? It happened in my nursing career to some degree. Obviously there are essential gold standards you always follow and adhere to. However, Lecturers in university, during training, used to teach strict guidelines in how we have to present ourselves as professionals. It came across as cold and too efficient at times. Patients love the presence of a competent nurse, which we all aspire to be, but tempered with being seen to be easily approachable and always available too.
Cheers Friedrich for your thoughtful replies. They are always very much appreciated.
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Thanks again! You raise some important points, Gray, especially regarding time!
I completely agree with you: If someone tries something out—and it might not be fully developed yet—they deserve the utmost respect. For me, this isn’t about showcasing achievements, but rather a form of communication, allowing my readers to participate in the brainstorming and development process.
We’re also very similar in other ways—perhaps it’s due to our ages. Norms have always bothered me. They prevent you from striving for new things, dragging you down to the level of John Doe. As artists, we often suffer from a lack of self-confidence, and it’s precisely in this context that it’s important to see that others appreciate what we do. Thankfully, I haven’t had much experience with caregivers so far, but as a layperson, I value personal attention more than learned, professional skills. Thanks again, and all the best!
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When we were young, we entered a ‘Battle of the Bands’ competition. It had a few different ‘heats’. But in the final we won. But we knew other band’s were better than us in sounding professional. I believe we were seen as one of those triers. And we communicated well with the audiences over the heats too. I wrote in a MySpace piece that certain bands were ‘robbed’ by us winning.
I remember rote writing and a blackboard example alphabet style that had to be copied by the whole class. It was expected to be the presented ongoing style. I think in hindsight that left handed people would have struggled.
I do appreciate this WP community and the exchanges of support. It certainly helps confidence. All the best too Friedrich.
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Do you dream or don’t you know? I had never come across this before. Great that you are still so artistic, Gray. 🤘
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Cheers Shep. I believe it is around 3 to 5 % of people that have the condition. And….Yes I do dream. Apparently dreams are from a different brain source. But, on awakening, I instantly forget the imagery. Little conversations exist in the dream stories too. Usually the most content is imagery. But now I realise why the voices of the people in the dreams disappear too. So I don’t know who was in the dream.
About half a dozen times over my lifetime, there have been events where I am between sleep and wakefulness and suddenly an episode of manic sequential images happens. Random images by the dozens…one after the other. Sometimes it lasts for a fair while, a minute or two. Sometimes in a quick burst of 10 to 30 seconds. Because the imagery of these snapshots disappear once fully aware and back to awake, I therefore have only a few fragments of memory to the images. Very much like the dreams experiences. Within a few minutes, all has gone. It’s as if my mind wakes up during nighttime or drowsiness to compensate. Travel down different sets of nerves in the brain. So, if the dreams are giving me clues to my past….unfortunately they give no awakening answers at all.
I have email joined an aphantasia group, but they want a fully committed subscription of about 100 dollars a year to get full information content and take part. So I am not really interested. But the Reddit info out there has been settling in that people do express similar experiences to mine. What is truly weird is that, throughout life, I have thought that everyone on this planet was the same as myself. Until a good friend, a doctor who was part of the Mindful class we were teaching, heard me ask ‘Can anyone actually see a river, etc.’ when closing eyes for meditation…..and they all said yes. That was when the bombshell arrived. She told me it was aphantasia. About five years ago now. My whole life oblivious to the presence of its quirks. Crazy. Maybe it is why I am who I am. In seeing my own weaknesses over the decades of life and now recognising why….maybe I’m a person who sees positivity and appreciates a life in simply trying to be supportive and kind to others.
Worth a quick internet search Shep. Thanks for asking.
Hope you are slowly getting that Christmas vibe. Angie has opened up a Christmas shop next to her main Wholefood business. I have been helping her get the ambience going. Her usual Wholefood customers absolutely love it. All twinkly lights and great stuff on the shelves. She can only sell the important for Christmas alcohol in her main shop though. Rools and Regoolations 😊🥃🥃
Cheers Shep. All the best.
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Wow! Amazing!…Too much going on here for a Christmas vibe. Just renovated and selling our old house that our son had been residing in. We have his graduation coming up (chiro) and all the plans for his wedding next year. I’m sure we’ll get the vibe when Dec 1 arrives and the tree goes up…Chiz 🤠🪃
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It seems that a very special time is going on in your life Shep. Good to witness you having these moments. As you say, hard work is involved too. But putting your feet up, pouring a drink and listening to some Salvation Army music playing those goosebump carol renditions should put the calmness back in your life.
All the best Shep. 🎄🥃🥃
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Gray … subtle would say this is interesting but it’s actually intriguing to me …
Sorry , i read through and from what i understand is that you recently realised the other senses are missing too?
I first learnt about Aphantasia from you here… as a loss of visual imagery.
You speak of other senses here also … yet you’ve come through without them for so long?
Sorry again…just trying to understand a little more…lol i think i need to visit google too..😬
🤍🙏
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Thank you for your thoughts Destiny. I am as confused as you are too at times in understanding all this. Speaking to my sister and brother and them explaining their ability to see and hear sounds in the Mind was an eye opener. In reality, my body senses work fine. As long as I am actually seeing what exists in front of my eyes. Or listening to a song on the radio. But there is no way on earth that I can conjure up the Mind to work in the same way by imagining picture scenes or past songs.
It is basically a lack of core imagination brought on by my brain not having the full nerve connections and pathways I believe. My brain cannot biologically or physiologically bring about a visual image internally. And I now realise the same lack of ability to imagine and experience smell, taste, and sound when they are not actually present externally, is another problem.
So basically, if it isn’t there in reality……it doesn’t exist anymore. I cannot conjure up in my mind an image of what my family or friends look like. I cannot conjure up a song inside my head unless it is in the room playing for real. Very strange, as you say, how I have coped with this since a young boy. Maybe I have had it all my life. Because there has never been a glimmer of past memories that I could once create internal results.
Cheers Destiny. 🙏🏽
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This is as real as real can get, Gray …when you say if it isn’t there in reality, it doesn’t exist anymore…and it sounds very philosophical too (lol).
..and if it wasn’t there since a young boy…may i ask …do you feel like you are missing something…
It probably makes you wonder like you are doing now, I suppose…but does it come with a feeling of loss…
Thank you, Gray .. for taking the time to explain…🤍
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As a boy and onwards into adulthood, I often wondered why I read the same books a few times and found the stories as fresh every time on rereading. But the realisation in adulthood of never remembering faces was thinking my memory was just a poor one.
Also, I couldn’t remember places when we went back on holidays. Couldn’t remember, and still can’t, where we have visited and stayed. I know the specific main towns we were close to, but not the actual villages we stayed in. It’s all been Yorkshire holidaying over the last five or six years. But it is all a mash up in my memory. Worse are where certain shops or tourist attractions are that we had visited before. I can’t even recall which town they are in. But life? It all felt normality because I never understood that people could hold and revisit the senses in their mind. All the best Destiny. 🙏🏽
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thank you, Gray … for taking the time to explain and share this .
All the best to you too…🙏🤍🌷
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🙏🏽 too.
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I guess we take our own situations for granted and consider them normal until we learn that its different for others. That must have been a real shock to discover all your senses seem to be missing when you close your eyes. A totally random question/thought, but do you find it easier to go to sleep or do ideas etc still run through your head when you close your eyes?
I am glad to read that ypu do dream as that’s important for brain health
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It was really puzzling to find the mind auditory absence too. I wondered how the melodies came. I’m still wondering how my songs materialise and if they would differ if I could hear music in my mind. I tend to sing stuff in my head. Like musical thoughts.
And yes, I find insomnia a problem. I have written a few blogs on it. I do have ideas running in my mind all the time Brenda. Making sense of how to get stuff to make the cut. Probably why so many interests in life. But these blogs do help with putting down words that can be revisited down the line. But mostly, I never remember writing them when I look back.
Cheers Brenda. Thanks for commenting.
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I guess the creativity comes in other ways. The brain is mysterious….and i guess if the ideas are in there it has to find a way out. Like you, getting ideas and random thoughts on paper does help. Most of the time I remember writing my work, but sometimes its nice to rediscover earlier work.
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You yourself, as a lecturer, do understand how your students all learn in different ways. I know you have written about this. Luckily, the very act of writing itself and seeing the words in patterns is a bonus. The actual thoughts are essential for making sense. My various college and university experiences had file results that were massive. I could revisit them due to proper theme labelling. I never really want to read stuff again from that period, but can’t find the bravery to get rid of them! As you say, it may be nice to look back on notes out of curiosity.
Cheers Brenda.
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I understand completely. I still have all my papers from uni even though I did languages for a undergraduate course and although my postgraduate is HR, it’ll be so put of date. Ill get around to clearing it out some day 🤣
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I believe we put so much energy into the work over years that it is a lovely, touchable reminder of our past intentions and commitments. A hard copy of how we got through it all. Much nicer than the hidden away ones that exist on our laptop computer files. Akin to touchable vinyl records that are linked to the untouchable MP3 versions. Cheers Brenda.
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Agreed, the tangible is so important … all those momen5s spent writing, creating etc
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