Dear Prudence, on The Beatles’ White Album, was written after they spent time in Wales, followed by travelling to India, with Maharishi Mahesh Yogi. They studied and experienced Transcendental Meditation practice. Prudence is the name of the sister of actress Mia Farrow. Prudence, at that time, became obsessed with the Transcendental philosophy and spent days in meditation to find answers. She still teaches meditation practice. John Lennon wrote the beautifully optimistic lyrics to say to her that ‘nature fixes’ also. Her intensity was profound and she isolated herself in meditative practice. So the song was a gentle message for to come out and socialise. ‘Come out to play’.

‘The sun is up, the sky is blue, it’s beautiful, and so are you’ etc..

Prudence? As a word? To me it means much needed optimism too. It has to be. Careful optimistic planning and awaiting great results. In reality, done because of the need to avoid costly emotional mistakes.

Why does this approach of thinking through have to be? Because Aphantasia affords me no memories. Nothing to bring back to mind, to reflect upon and ultimately provide a sense of ease. Familiarity of past similar events that show that all will be okay in the end. I don’t remember the times of feeling winnable situations. Or downbeat failures that provide anxieties. And so no lasting feelings of successes or failings through good or bad experiences.

However. Much of this last 2025 year, has been more closely remembered and therefore more tangible. Simply in understanding what has happened in reality. But again, no memories visually. Luckily.

I realise many events this year were pretty impactful negatively. I abhor my experiences of negativity and always try to stay positive. But self health issues, others’ health issues, VeeDub Bus issues, complicated technical learning and plans for music ambitions, and elusive dreams of seeking a much needed well being answer have all been impactful.

My Dad falling off an 8 feet wall onto a concrete pavement and myself having a possible brain arterial aneurism, luckily unfounded in the end, are two examples as to impact psychologically. Early January bouts of twice getting COVID like flu symptoms have been long in the system. They absolutely floored the body in reality. This kind of stuff does have an effect on mind games. And there has been so many mind games this particular year.

So in all this one thing after another, an underlying, deep rooted anxiety has once again reared its ugly head due to a self long standing recognised Summers’ constant fear. That being ‘Fear of the Unknown’. It can be simply a lighthearted fear, but at times, a more sinister one. And without any visual imagination existing, I tend to write everything down and make plans because nothing exists historically in my mind to pull up out of familiarity, bring past experiences into the open and subsequently bring answers to provide emotional and logical comfort.

Recent events can, and do dwell for a short period of time. But then disappear into the ether. For example. Late afternoon yesterday, I started up the VeeDub Bus to go fill her up with petrol. I have a broken petrol gauge and need to do fill up with petrol to calculate what my miles per gallon status is. I write down the clock mileage readings of where I have been. Hills or straight roads? VeeDub engine struggle or ease. Makes an impact on consumption. Especially with our local steep Welsh hills. All recent journeys of the 60 miles done since last fill up have been straight level road runs. No engine struggles.

After about five miles driving to the petrol station, the red generator light came on. I quickly pulled into the next available parking space. Luckily, very close by. An air cooled engine can overheat and be ruined after even a short period of minutes. A large easily accessible space exists near woods because many people go there to walk their dogs. I turned on the left indicator to pull in and park up and….nothing. No indicators. I parked, got out and checked the engine bay. No intense heat, no broken fan belt. All was okay. Checked oil level. Again okay. I went back into the Dub and switched on the ignition. The red generator light had gone off. Started her up and it stayed off. So all was ticking over nicely. But still no indicators.

I was around two to three miles from the petrol station and it took one left turn and then a straight run to get there, so carried on. Filling up took 22.32 litres of petrol. E5 petrol is used for my vintage 1972 engine because it is essential for keeping both the engine, fuel tank and fuel pipework safe and sound. Old car engines can corrode with the high water content in Ethanol additives. E10 petrol is a definite no. E5 petrol however is more expensive. Around 14 pence per litre. Sometimes more. Quickly working on the approximate 22 litres amount put in and my mileage since last fill up, I calculated, after working out litres to gallons, that I was getting about 12 miles per gallon. Shocking! My old carburettors got 20 miles per gallon. This one was brand new and supposedly all singing and dancing. The cost of it was eye watering too.

In the petrol station, I pulled into a safe space and then thought about getting home. Without indicators and fear of the generator light coming back on it felt stomach wrenching queasy. I turned on the headlights, got out and took a quick look. They were really dim, and one headlight wasn’t working. Only the sidelight bulb was working. I put the headlights to full beam and they both came on. VeeDub original stock headlights are notoriously dim, and a full beam doesn’t really affect drivers coming at you. So at least I could drive home with the headlights working.

But….it was going to be dusk very soon, so needed to get a move on. Winter here brings sunset around 16.00 hours and complete darkness at around 18.00 hours. It was after four in the afternoon, and no indicators in the dark was more problematic because I couldn’t wind down my window for hand signals. The windows in my VeeDub Bus are very dodgy anyway. The passenger window can’t be wound down at all. The drivers window creaks and groans when being wound down because water gets into the drivers door and soaks the cab floor in heavy rain. So that dampness in the door accumulates and affects the window winding machinations. Rust develops.

What happens in these problematic situations is a scrambling of confused thoughts. Trying to think of answers to VeeDub problematics found before. To make sense from out of foggy remembrances. And very many VeeDub problematics have existed over the years to be honest. But, the reality and answers to those memories simply don’t easily exist. My first thought yesterday was that I know the same situation has happened in the past, and I initially thought it was simply a blown fuse. I couldn’t quickly change a fuse because two days before all this, I saw the back floor of the Dub soaking wet. A 5 litre plastic water bottle in a cupboard, placed on top of the small plastic tool box, full of ‘Maybe items that will be future needed’ was leaking and had filled up the said toolbox, through its lid handles holes, with water. In there were little spares and essentials and, importantly, my mesh bag of dozens of spare fuses. So they were currently at home, next to the dehumidifier, drying out. Along with all the other ‘may be needed’ stuff. Headlight bulbs included.

None of this mattered because reality and logic said ‘For Heaven’s Sake Gray……Just get home!’. So I did. Safely too. On arrival on my driveway I looked more closely in the driver’s mirror and saw a very red Summers’ visage. My blood pressure, I realised, had been through the roof in all this experience. I suddenly felt sick. Woozy. Maybe from relief of getting back safely. Or simply from stress. I realised that an underlying anxiety of complete engine failure was possible. It happened before when the fan belt broke and the red generator light came on. Subsequently after that situation, my whole engine was ruined and had to be replaced. My anxiety mind becomes irrational and no logic exists in these times.

After getting home, and an hour of sitting and settling, I looked up the possible answers to the VeeDub problematics. The one 16 amp red fuse did indeed serve the indicators, the generator and also the fuel gauge. When filling up, the fuel gauge does show a half hearted attempt to move itself to a half a tank reading. But after a few days, it gets bored and settles back down to showing empty again. But a quick relook after this petrol tank fill up showed it down on empty. So, it was the fuse. I changed it and everything, the dashboard showed me, worked again.

Sorry for the long blog. If you got this far…..you deserve a medal. But typing it out makes for a much needed cathartic experience. I tend to type out these long, boring themes to get rid of anxieties. Rather like journal writing. And in a few weeks or months, this blog will be moved from ‘published’ status and back into the hidden from public view ‘draft’ status. Maybe even the ‘bin and delete’ status. The other day I completely went full on proactive and binned and then deleted about 150 past ‘put them back into draft status’ blogs. Gone for good are those written down memories now.

Why seek cathartic aims? Because it is unwise to exist in the negative. Positivity is always the way to go through life. Writing down one’s problematic experiences shreds and destroys their onus on ‘Fear of the Unknown’ mind affectations. Cathartic emotions can then amplify and bring relief to the living of life experiences.

All this reflection? This is why I wrote the lyrics to my Faded Walls song. They relate to the Summers’ mind. Basically. Trying to make sense of it all.

But of course. I still have to bite the Mind bullet again and travel in the VeeDub to a safe near by local spot. No travelling further distances. Cost of petrol or being stranded far from home in the wilds is always out there in possible reality land. However. Because the project of the filming of songs and conversations for YouTube uploads is essential for future well being the VeeDub has to be used. It is central to the project. At least the fuses are back on board……so fingers crossed.

And the Billie Cloud 9 VeeDub? Looking below…..butter wouldn’t melt in her mouth!

Billie (living in) Cloud 9 is definitely an appropriate name!