I was beginning to handwrite these thoughts below, down onto paper. And am now typing them down in continuation of a few lines. Asking myself, with use of pen and ink, to write down a list of ideas to cement the realisation that the Cloud 9 VeeDub Bus project would be achievable.

With no visual imagination (a condition I have called aphantasia), any project cannot be brought to the Mind’s Eye. When closing my eyes, no visual presence, other than a blank grey/black screen, exists. No ironic image of Bugs Bunny saying ‘That’s all folks’.

Then the penny dropped. I couldn’t hear him say it either. Realisation has now dropped that auditory presence of anything doesn’t exist either. Both verbal or musical.

The sentiments of Bugs’ words are actually my whole existence. I typed the question into Google Chrome. ‘How many people can actually hear music or someone’s voice in their mind?’ Apparently 98% can. Following up a search for a similar question regarding smell, taste and touch there were various % numbers. However, with these latter three senses, there is much to consider. It is almost an algorithm of triggers in the experiences of how memory or ‘that current moment in time’ varies regarding smell, taste or touch in the imaginative mind’s presence.

The irony in all of this, is that, in the role of staff nurse I would hunt down information by researching questions that patients came up with. Their worries would be exchanged and then my investigation would ensue. And yet, in my naivety, innocence and possible avoidance, no pennies dropped as to my own condition. Reading others’ perspective on their own condition of Aphantasia, they too thought everyone else was the same as themselves. I can tell you it comes as a massive shock to realise the reality of others’ abilities to ‘see, hear, etc.’. in the mind. I thought that words used like ‘It took me right back to my schooldays’ were generalisations. Teaching Mindfulness and asking people to ‘close your eyes and visualise sitting on a bank whilst imagining looking at leaves dropping from trees into the water’ was the moment the penny dropped. My past self Mindfulness experiences were simple. I knew the basic premise of ‘focus on the present moment’ and used external subjects to focus on.

I spoke to my sister this afternoon. She can hear songs easily in her mind, taste an orange, etc. if thinking about it, limbic ‘smell’ certain aromas not present that can then take her back visually to specific times. I know my brother has a fantastic visual mind’s eye. I need to ask him if he can imaginatively bring up the other senses too.

The internet search into sound and song absence led me down very many rabbit holes. So back to Bugs Bunny essentially.

I realise now, that I have a form of total lack of the 5 Mind Senses. Alongside the visual are also auditory, smell, taste and touch. Nothing exists other than the reality of these senses as they are being performed or received in real life.

‘Here then, Mr. Summers. You say you have auditory aphantasia too. How do you get a melody or ideas to your songs then?’

Answer? No idea. No melody plays out in my mind. I can only explain it by one of my subconscious written lyrics.

‘Become the prophet in the corners of a worn down mind.

Pen a tune and seize the day.

You can always sing.

La, La, La, La……..

It always chases the blues away’.

When no little melody exists ‘audio like’ in my brain, I have often said that I chase down in to the deeper neural synapses within and wait for tunes to lose their gentle, shy existence and come out to say hello. They show their true existence in a resulting La, La, sound coming from some deep place moments later upon the lips. And, all things considering, that sounds rather fanciful. But actually not far from the truth.

In reality, I actually have no idea where they come from as I do not hear them internally. They exist in neural pathways that are a musical equivalent of simple thought. When out in the open, these songs sung are whispers’ based. Developing into a product of full on A-cappella. Following picking up my guitar or stabbing on single piano keys a tune can be externally presented to catch and cement them even more. The guitar gives me opportunity to hear the harmonies existing within the chords played. Also, after hearing guitar sound, further existing harmonies are captured in a way I can not explain. There is a floating unknown ethereal phenomena of simply knowing a separate piece of music developed can actually fit and be attached to the song’s collection. It is impossible to hear layers of tunes in my mind if I cannot even hear single tunes at all. So I have no idea how it all happens.

As Toyah Wilcox sings:

‘It’s a mystery, it’s a mystery

I’m still searching for a clue

It’s a mystery to me

A shot in the dark

The big question mark in history

Is it a mystery to you?’

And yes, I did have to Google search for the lyrics. I could hum some of the verse and chorus melody, and only the first line of the chorus actually in word form. That was because it is the title. Yet, I loved that song back then. And did sing the words when listening after a few times. Maybe I had a younger brain with more plasticity. Interestingly, I read the verse lyrics and was surprised. Did the content of the song theme impact my thoughts subliminally. They certainly resonated/resonate very much with my thoughts to how I have experienced, and still experience, life.

‘Somewhere in the distance. Hidden from view. Suspended in the atmosphere. Waiting to come through. Sometimes it’s so far away. Sometimes it’s very near. Sound being carried by the wind. Just loud enough to hear. Feel its power within me. Bells ringing in my head. So often I have heard its cry. But forgotten what it said. It can treat you with a vengeance. Trip you in the dark. Sirens in the distance. Can steer you from the path. It can lift you to the heavens. Put your troubles in the past. Whisper the elixir. Then vanish in a blast’.

QUESTION: IN CAPITAL LETTERS DUE TO IMPORTANCE FOR FURTHER INVESTIGATION.

IF I DO NOT POSSESS, IN MIND’S EYE RECOLLECTION FACTORS, THE BASIC UMBRELLA OF THE 5 MAIN SENSES OF VISUAL, SOUND, SMELL, TOUCH, TASTE…….

AM I TAPPING INTO A NETWORK OF UNDERLYING ‘SENSES’ THAT ARE ALMOST ALGORITHMIC. THE POSSIBILITIES OF 6 UP TO DOZENS UPON DOZENS OF FURTHER TYPES. ARE THESE ALSO, MAYBE, SENSES? IS IT THOSE EXTRA PERCEIVED SENSES THAT EXIST FROM 6 to DOZENS THAT GET ME TO ACTUALLY FEEL EMOTIONS, ANSWERS, EXPERIENCES, ETC..

ALL I KNOW IS THAT, HOW I ACHIEVE COMFORT IN LIFE, IS STILL A CONUNDRUM OF QUESTIONS. I KNOW AND UNDERSTAND BECAUSE OF ONGOING DAILY, EVEN MINUTE TO MINUTE, QUESTIONS. ‘WHAT, WHICH, WHY, WHEN, WHO and HOW’. ALL EQUAL TO FURTHER ENQUIRY. HOW DO IDEAS BECOME REALITY? MY MIND IS SIMPLY A WORD CLUTTER. REPEATEDLY IN CYCLIC MODE AT TIMES. CEMENTING IN ROTE FASHION. AND A TOTALITY OF GRASPING AT STRAWS TO REMEMBER EXPERIENCES AND PLACES VISITED THAT I HAVE HAD OVER MY LIFETIME.

VITALLY, AND SO OFTEN, WHEN LEARNING, PLANNING, ORGANISING, IT WAS, AND STILL IS, GOOD TO SIMPLY WRITE IT ALL DOWN.

A LIST IS A GODSEND.

Strangely, I do not forget the truly impactful. I can sing a Beatles or Marc Bolan tune to a song very easily. Well most of them. Maybe not every word or instrumental part. Christmas carols and other songs around this festive time bring a special comfort. Like old friends. But, I can’t even do the beginning to end of my own songs with ease. Ask me to play one of my songs start to finish? I’d be hard pressed to get the chord sequences correct every time. Unless they are present above the typed/written down lyrics in front of my eyes. The tune would change slightly at times and I sometimes warble around the basic melody.

Regarding other memories that stick around? They are all based on familiarity. Like Christmas and its 68 years of Gray Summers experienced situations as to its tradition. I know the warmth and generosity of the season existed. I don’t recall all the experiences though. There are people and other special times in life that gave, and still give, a full blown ‘Here we are’. I know they existed factually. Everything in between those occasions though….. has gone.

Okay. The main events all exist in a fog like presence. A smoky collective of being able to say ‘Yes, I know you are there’. I can say this because they have always been there for me. That is why Christmas, The Beatles, Family, Friends and my own songs that I somehow write are so very vital. And for that I truly thank you and them. Without these it would have been a miserable existence’.

NEXT BLOG WILL BE THE LIST CONSIDERATIONS OF THE CLOUD 9 PROJECT. THAT BEING THE PHILOSOPHY OF WHAT TO INCLUDE IN THE VEEDUB BUS ALONGSIDE SPECIFIC STORYBOARD THEMES TO CONSIDER.

The general ‘Keeping the Pens Alive’ usually performed. Not so atmospheric.