#Health Matters

The lack of having a ‘Mind’s Eye’. Aphantasia.

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I do have photographs aplenty in my media file here on WordPress. Taken with the iPad camera. Always taken with this iPad’s camera actually. I use it for blogs. Even the Black and White prints from the darkroom, uploaded to blogs, are iPad screenshots off my uploads onto the Flickr site.

The iPad photo app has very few photographs saved in comparison to the WP media selection. But they are the little reminders that give memory clues.

I have Aphantasia and have written previous blogs on the subject. I am one of the approximate 1.5 to 3% of the population that possess this condition. It is a condition with the simplicity of having no imagery whatsoever when eyes are shut. No ‘mind images’ can be brought in to place. I always only see a black canvas. Well unless light shines through the eyelids to bring lighter blackness.

The photographs and words give me a nudge in that I have a particular pen.

This means no visual memories of my past life exist. Not one. No faces, places, events, moments that were profound, etc. I cannot bring anyone’s visage to mind. No past life in visual entity exists. Sorry to repeat, but it’s reality for me. So photographs are the only clues. I can watch a film, read a book, read a letter, look at a photograph and it is as if it is all brand new. I can see dream imagery when in sleep. But it totally disappears on awakening. I believe dreaming comes from a different part of the brain. What was seen in the dream no longer exists. No PTSD from nightmares. Only a sense of dread. Which quickly disappears over a short time.

I uploaded this just now. In those closed metal boxes? Who knows? I don’t.

My learning skills are awkward too. I cannot ‘mind’ taste foods or smell odours. No gathering of language skills or abilities to speak other languages. The written words I proffer are full of nuance. Subtle changes, simple and playful. I possess empathy. But because I know how it made me feel at the time. But do not remember the full impact of how it truly affected my psyche. I don’t care at all about this ownership of Aphantasia. I’ve lived and coped with its presence my whole life. I know of the special moments in life. But can never see them again. Unless in a photograph.

Books that matter. Under the stairs are hundreds more on shelves. But I used to stand there and say, ‘Why do I have two copies?’ Now I know why.

It is a strange condition to have. And if it were not for my teaching Mindfulness within an ‘Activate your Life’ course to the local Machynlleth community when I was nursing, I would never actually be aware that it was not normal for all people. After I adopted the use of my ability to talk in a ‘deep voice’ (a nice ability to own) in one of the sessions and narrated the classic scenario of ‘Close your eyes and imagine sitting by a gently flowing river…..etc.’ I stated to the attending group that ‘I don’t know why I advocate such therapy in imagery, as I see nothing at all. Zilch. Only blackness’. The awareness of my owning Aphantasia there and then dropped into my life. A friend, a doctor who I accompanied on hospital ward rounds, was in the group attending the session. She asked a few more questions and highlighted that I may, indeed, have something called Aphantasia.

This is one of only two pieces of pottery I own that I have made. An early piece in my potter’s journey. Sometimes I have seen other ceramic pieces, in others’ houses from time to time, and had completely forgotten that I actually made them.

I can’t say, upon reflecting over the last few years and since the bombshell dropped, that it hasn’t affected life. It has and still is. But somehow you compensate. In ways you cannot put your finger on. Repetition allows long oft used car journeys to be taken. As soon as you see something again, a familiarity comes into the equation. But it is almost holistic in how you decipher. It belongs to the ‘I’m sure I’ve seen this before’ scenario. Comes from images that truly are of individual nature. I know a cafe down the road in the next village, having passed it on the way to work hundreds of times. However, I cannot bring its image into my mind’s eye. It exists when I see it in reality.

Hence my photographs here on the blog. They give an idea of what the blog is about. But not the full story. Once written? Forgotten.

A photograph from my band days. Again. I forgot this completely. Someone recently shared it with me. And yet it was two guys (on the right) who had to slot in quickly as a brass section as our two regulars jumped ship. I can’t remember their names even. They rehearsed with us for a couple of days only before the gig. So it was fraught with insecurities.

Way back when I was writing songs for the band, I wrote a lyric. A song called Audience.

“Blurred images

With no direction

It’s like looking in a mirror

With no reflection

I’m laughing

And you would be laughing too

If you could see

What I see”.

On reflection the lyrics were part realisation to the situation. But also on reflection, ‘blurred images’ should have been ‘no images’. I do believe images exist in another part of my mind’s dimension. I just can’t get at them. There is a terribly frustrating and tenuous link that I know they are there in the background. They have to be. It’s one of the most frustrating things to explain. Another part of the brain is struggling to bring a picture into existence. But totally fails because nothing is ever there but an unseen whisper that they still exist. Possibly in a hidden neural pathway.

So, there you have it. My revisit to explaining this phenomenon in my life. Not preaching education here. Just the facts of how life can be for some others out there. So I shall put up a few photographs that I see and then say ‘Gosh! Of course. I remember now that I have that book, compass, notebook, pen, etc’. But where I’ve put them? No idea.

https://aphantasia.com/article/science/history-of-aphantasia/

30 thoughts on “The lack of having a ‘Mind’s Eye’. Aphantasia.”

  1. I’m reading you and thinking of this bible passage, I think it goes, one and the same Spirit works all these things. the gifts we have and the ones we do not. you’re this multi-talent, I guess that’s what I’m saying if I am making any sense.

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    1. Thank you again for your insights cookie. My life has been an ever changing phenomenon I suppose. Seeking. Always seeking. So, yes, you do make sense. And I love your inclusion here of the Bible passage. Energy does come from new themes I find. My head is not cluttered with old news I should think. Hence wonder in all that is witnessed. I can remember most of the lyrics to the music from my own writing of songs. Borne from repetition. The played over an over regularity of vinyl albums of others on the Dansette from youth is always there too. Music is a fantastic permanence. I do not ‘hear’ music in the mind, but can create harmony somehow. Enough to understand that it will fit in place without hearing it in the mind. Intuitive thought. Hence why I love your ‘Spirit works all these things’ offering. Brilliant and thank you once again. 🙏🏽

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  2. I am imagining a a forest, where the variations of the color of green dominate. I see a small cabin in its midst. There is a child outside running around the small cabin. All of a sudden, a large bear appears from the left. The child stops, looks directly into the eyes of the bear. The bear has met its match, and flees. From what you are saying, you cannot what I just related.

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    2. Hello Steven. No I can’t at all. My canvas of imagery is non existent. It is totally dark. When a very small child, I fell backwards off a swing and hit the back of my head badly. It was onto a concrete floor. A short while after, an hour possibly, I developed concussion. I believe that this may have caused this situation. After finding this ‘self diagnosis’ for want of better words, I have not delved deeply, but have read some literature. It all makes sense, but there is much still to be found out. I’ve lived with it since about five or six years old…so 62 years. I cannot recall anything from early pre 5/6 year old childhood either. Ah well. I seem to have done okay in life. Found my ways to get things done. Your own imagery sounds a wonderful one to possess. The stories you could write. All the best.

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  3. Oh, Gray! I am thrilled to see more of your images, the pens and this stunning Merlinesque wizard you crafted from clay! He’s exquisite!! I note the spiral on his cap. As you may know, I wear the Newgrange triple spiral around my neck as a silver pendant after my adventure and stupendous Energy experience with the neolithic stones in Ireland (2019). If not, it’s okay, just to say any and all spirals leap out at me!
    And yes, as for Aphantasia, I know we have discussed (comments back and forth) of it before and I appreciate you taking the time to explain it more fully. I didn’t know it was so rare. I agree that it’s probably a different part of the brain that performs that function rather than open-eye sight and what we dream.
    I most appreciate your words, and I do find your posts educational. Best regards, Sheila Spiral Sister

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    1. I made this Wizard piece of pottery like one of the stylised and similar in look Lord of the Rings chess set that I was making. I didn’t complete it and gave the pieces away. The chess sets I did make were from my own characters. I made a fair few and had hand made chess boards made. Quite large ones! But as Aphantasia dictates, I cannot remember them. I never bothered with photographing the pieces. The spirals and runes were ever present in many of my pieces. I did understand the runes at a basic level and the spirals, unfortunately, not at all. I was focusing upon the actual producing the different characters side for the amount of shows, exhibitions I seemed to have in the pipeline always. Also writing stories and poems about those pieces too. Cheers Sheila for your ever thoughtful responses.

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      1. Ah, Lord of the Rings! I must watch those movies again since I have forgotten much about them (and I bet I’ll get more out of them since going on the Sacred Celtic Journey in 2019. I am sooo happy to hear what inspired you, Gray! And yes the spirals remain a mystery, carved into petroglyphs around the world before any other written words (along with several other kinds of glyphs). I am intrigued to learn about Runes. I’ve bought a few items but never a pack of wooden ones or cards, etc. I think we create art because we’re deep thinkers and old souls. So sorry to hear you gave the chess pieces you made away, but hope someone is enjoying them, which feels good to think about. Cheers back, Gray.

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      2. I gave a lot of pottery to friends and family. Not before witnessing their liking for the pieces though. Luckily, many did. 😊 Lord of the Rings is an amazing book. The films are great too. You could make your own runes out of wood or stones. You can incant the required poetic lines with each painted or carved stroke that makes up the symbolism. Your energy then goes into each rune.

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      4. I’m not too sure on how the rune carving incantations go to make them come to life. To create energy and spirit. I remember first reading about carving runes and respectfully applying the carving of them in the book ‘The Way of Wyrd’. So I did make a set of my own runes from clay. I put them on the front of my pottery craft stall and because they were handled so much by the people visiting craft events, I never used them with any sincerity. They have long gone now. I looked at some sites yesterday regarding them and their uses. A good site is this one below. I am no longer using runes myself in the form of any decoration. I don’t feel the draw to make another set since those 1980s made ones. But they are extremely popular in many fascinating themes and areas. Very much worth understanding their history I believe.

        https://grimfrost.com/blogs/blog/carving-runes

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      6. The Way of Wyrd is a cult classic. Important read for insights into many of the rune qualities. A fictional read. Not a thematic educational one. But so powerful. I usually look at Google reads and see if I can sense a liking to go and buy a book usually. That or the views of others on Amazon or Goodreads. Cheers Sheila. Oh! Insomnia is very useful and inspirational at times. 😊

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      7. Yes, I love several cult classics, so I bet it’s fascinating.
        As for sleeplessness, I had just dramatically improved my sleep a few months before we moved. But now, grrr. Heavy feet and dropping things upstairs keeps me awake some nights.
        At least it won’t matter soon! 8 more working days to retirement! Ha!

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  4. Thanks for explaining, Gray. I have read your previous post but with this one is it somehow easier to understand now on an individuals personal level . Reading through, a sense of sadness until I reach your handwriting 🙄and then your pottery 🤦‍♀️and then your words/lyrics going back to your musical talents.. it’s wow… 😁 so many talents to one person. With this.. still you are so gifted.
    The pottery is really stunning… I have tried my hand at this.. though not so detailed as yours. Great to experience.

    “I’m laughing
    And you would be laughing too
    If you could see
    What I see”….

    from different viewpoints… still profound.

    A wonderful read as always. 🙏

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    1. I am a Jack of all trades and Master of none Destiny. It makes life very interesting. Not to dismiss the Masters at all, because they inspire people like myself to go and try myself. Life has been interesting so far. I’ve delved into many subjects and had fun. Your pottery experience? I made some little figures from plasticine and when I showed them to a domestic potter he said ‘Why not use clay?’ And so the story goes….. That is how most of the ‘what life throws at you’ experiences have happened. Just seeking the Why, which, when, who, what, where, and the all important ‘how’ questions. You yourself are an avid seeker too. I’m amazed at your abilities to write in different poetic formats. And find such strong presentation and wonderful magical words resulting in your work. When I began to read my lyrics here? I actually sang the tune involved in my head straight away. 😆 I wonder if you have a resonant and rhythmic way of narrating your own poetry. I am intrigued by the Aphantasia condition I own, because it has possibly assisted me to have an enquiring mind. When you see a new unknown on the horizon, curiosity envelops, so you raise the sheets of canvas and set sail. Thank you for your friendly and positive replies Destiny. So much appreciated. All the best. 🙏🏽 too as always.

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      1. I think so too, makes life interesting as such…

        Clay aswell.. mini fairy houses and little villages and forests lol…very basic, not as intricately designed as yours.

        Lol, I don’t ever recite my poetry aloud, only in my mind 😁😂
        your history with music makes you more comfortable doing so… mine still feels new this poetry and writing journey.

        “curiosity envelops… so you raise the sheets of canvas and set sail..” nicely said.

        All the best your way too 🙏

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      2. The ceramics you describe don’t sound basic at all. I used to swap pieces with fellow craft workers as well and have chosen what you describe you make very often. Little mushroom houses made of simple, but elegant, porcelain or ivory clays, etc. My work is smoke and mirrors. Easier than it truly looks. This piece here in the photographs is different to my usual ‘travellers’. They were more Celtic, serious/sonorous visage and held Mystical/mythological connections. Made more pottery figures with Raku slab work and stoneware clay add ons. You’ve settled very well as a poet/writer Destiny. You’re on that streak of winning. 🙏🏽

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      3. yes, the mushroom houses among other small stuff lol…
        Raku slab and stoneware clay yet to try… the firing process seems a challenge though…
        If you have more pictures on your pottery, would appreciate a share.

        Thank you, Gray… still a long way to go with this writing 😁 but I’m glad for where I am now.

        much enjoyed as always🙏

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      4. I have hardly any photos of my work Destiny. It never photographed that well. I never was a photographer at that time of making ceramics in the 1980s. And many photographers used film. The ones taken and were shown to me never really represented the ‘feel and ambience’ of the pieces. So I never really bothered pursuing. Nowadays with digital capabilities it would be different. I made the ceramics, as a self employed potter, for about 10 years. So there were a fair few hundred made. Whether customers still own them is anyone’s guess. I know of some in a friend’s house and my Dad has a couple of older pieces. I did take a little photo of one of those a while back with the old iPad. It may be in Cloud. If I do find some, or take photos of my friend’s ones, I will write a blog about it. The mushroom houses I have sitting on a shelf in the Den are not twee actually. They are of a uniform ivory and stoneware mix with no glaze. But others’ craft of all kinds I have are in boxes now. Since decorating a shift of ornaments has been put in place. Is it called de-cluttering? 😊 I look forward to seeing where your poetry goes to. And now of course if you pursue clay. Raku I fired sensibly. I never did the extreme firing of removing and throwing into straw, sawdust, etc. But I did fire at very high temperatures. Cobalt carbonate turned into the gun metal black you see on this piece here. And all my colours were basic raw material painted on. Red iron oxide, Titanium dioxide and Rutile. Iron oxide I re-sponged off multiple times after many layerings to get cracked effects from depth of applications. Raku took it very nicely as a heavy groggier clay. Oh. I used ivory clay here too for the beard and St. Thomas White stoneware for the main body of the Wizard. His name is Grimwell Arkenthorpe. All my pieces had individual names. Most with a little written insight to the character. My work had those 3 clays exist in this piece. Did try porcelain once, but it was very unstable to work with. So ivory was a better choice. Raku is the base. Sturdy stuff that copes with the weight above it. Hope that helps. Sorry for so many words here. Cheers Destiny and 🙏🏽

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      5. thank you for these insights…seen your experience extends to years…. will come in handy when I do get back to clay art. 😁
        appreciated, Gray 🙏🤍

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      6. Two quick additions Destiny to show the designs. A Plaster of Paris disc or oblong made from setting some in the bottom of a plastic container, left to set, tapped out gently and then it can then be carved into. I carved reverse spirals and runes in this particular one. The runes and spirals on the piece were from rolling out clay (like pastry) and then pressed into the carved surface afterwards and rolled again to imprint the designs. You need to clean the plaster powder off though after carving. Clay and plaster are not great in a kiln. I had dozens of little designs I carved into plaster to add embellishments onto pieces. The hair and beard? You can get a potter’s syringe extruder made of metal with various interchangeable screw on end choices. This one had holes which produced the ‘spaghetti’ like hair/beard. Push the clay through, like a syringe works, and you can get lengths to cut and use. You use it like an icing gun. I said my pottery was all smoke and mirrors. My pieces were each individually hand made in the main and thought then went into how to get little intricate designs that were symbolic. Some additions, like his bag, were made free hand. Again, hope this helps. 😊

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      7. I have all these tools 😁
        Basic as the houses are and a few fantasy forest kind landscapes… miniature stuff to fit there… I’ve tried some designing on them…. ( lol I even attached lights to them 😂)
        was very fond of this clay art… all this information useful and reminds me of how much I enjoyed creating them. Will have to make some time to go back to it. 😁
        Thanks for the reminder.
        Gray, you say each piece individually hand made… my fingers used to be sore after working on one piece lol… and I gather you made way more than many… lovely with ouch too.

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      8. I played bass guitar before clay use Destiny. My fingers were used to being abused. 😆 I must say that Raku can be harsh though. Grit! I love lights inside little pottery houses shining through the windows. My daughter had one in her room as a little night light. I never made it though. I attached nature to my pieces. The figure here has a driftwood staff with many natural additions. Also an old dolly peg with driftwood attached in his hat. Metal spirals found their way onto the ceramics too. Verdigris copper wires with spiralled ends were especially nice as ‘beards’ on my mystic travellers. Yes, you must find clay again. I truly miss its presence in my life. But need to focus on music!! Cheers Destiny. 🙏🏽

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  5. I can’t imagine. You are so immensely gifted, I can’t imagine. You were a nurse; how does this impact your analytical thinking? I totally imagine how everything fits together; I can’t imagine not. M<y wife complains when we work a jigsaw puzzle as I am looking at the picture and imagining how it fits. Cheers to you for being the nurse, the writer, the musician, the lyricist, the photographer you are.

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    1. Analytically it is reading algorithm based guidance and then holistic familiarity building. Also alongside is experience from how people presented in the past. I did have a small prescribing book which I updated to new editions and carried it for reference of new drugs that presented. It was a Godsend. Inside I had little charts of those drugs I wanted to especially keep an eye on. Like steroids with so many side issues. The doctors are there and I can ask for confirmation of query. So, for example, beta blockers affect differently on the body organs and systems. They may affect diabetic glucose control for example. If a patient had glucose problems (high or low) and had insulin or non-insulin medicated I would double check if the beta blockers may be the problematic cause. Discuss, as said, with a doctor or pharmacist. It usually put my mind at rest. Or. If a patient were found to be consistently falling, it could have very many reasons why. Algorithm questioning could probably find out why. Hydration, ear problems affecting balance, blood pressure, certain medications, simple fragility or frailty, etc. You just build knowledge because it is dealing with day to day reality. Reality and health? It had so many inclusions I just read and read. The bank of knowledge grows. But if not used it had gone. So you read and familiarise again quite quickly because it was already in the mind when a patient arrives with the chronic conditions you need to gain knowledge for again. But saying this, it took a lot of time to keep the whole nurse role going. I wasn’t a natural. Could never have been a doctor.

      As to all of the other life roles. Much less stressful. Well, apart from supporting Deaf Students in education. I didn’t want to let them down and my reading of some of their sign language styles was very difficult to translate! Sometimes they couldn’t read my sign language either. But in general, it was mainly fairly easy going. 😊 Thank you for your positivity Danny. I’m not gifted really. I just accept the gifts that can be found in life and have a good attempt at expressing them. All the best Danny. You’re a treasure. 👍🙏🏽

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      2. The brain is fascinating isn’t it? I’ll take that compliment Danny and widen the door frames to get into the rooms. 😆 Seriously though, what you say is very much appreciated. It’s great to exchange this knowledge with each other and share to improve our learning isn’t it? By the way. I follow a guy called Shep here on WordPress who is called Harmonica Riff Raff. He writes about and plays vintage harmonicas. His latest post would be right up your street Danny. The way he writes reminds me of your own deep research. Light, knowledgeable and very readable. Historical perspectives with additional quirky inclusions. Brilliant reads. He also provides some amazing music links once a month to really unlooked for bands. I’ve found some gems from his pointers. Worth a look maybe?

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