‘Gratitude evades us because we are not grateful’.

The book ‘Guide Lines to Feelings’ by K. Bradford-Brown is of the type that I don’t usually buy anymore. I did go through a phase of getting these themed quote books that you saw in little gift shops many decades ago. Usually on holidays and when in relaxed status quo mode. They eventually all got given away. Usually they were passed on and mostly found their way to Charity/Thrift shops. So it was unusual to see this in a Charity Shop and actually buy it. But I was on holiday! In relaxed mode. I suppose things never truly change.

Why buy it? Well. It started when I opened up (literally…due to its design) the little book and glancing at the inclusions. The ones read brought about a few ‘Oh!’ exclamations as I took them in. These could well be a great source for a daily thoughtful/mindful exercise. I’m not generally a person that dissolves into angst, seeks introspection or analyses inner feelings. I suppose beginning to write in the Three Self Directive Journals (Gratitude/Self-Care/Recharge) is a pretty recent project though. So maybe they have been tweaking and pulling at recognising and facing ‘Analysing Self’ for self improvement. Balancing holistically. Am I the person Joan Armatrading sang about in her amazing song ‘Me, myself, I’…….?

‘It’s not that I love myself, I just don’t want company’.

I do like company. It’s evident from having one to one friend meet ups or the family/friends elongated visits here to Wales that proves it is good to enjoy company. Even though the introvert nature is a greater requirement within the whole aspect of my wanted/needed lifestyle. Feelings? They’re firmly locked away. Never truly voiced and therefore expressed. But whilst the idea of putting your feelings aside to create a quiet balance and harmony within the journey of life may be a great sounding idea, it is not actually ideal. Feelings? They can grow sour by not giving them voice or the credit they deserve. They can breed frustrations and negativity. So quiet reflection on reading words that can actually allow the insights to be analysed is a good thing. Maybe onwards to talking about fears, worries, concerns, etc. to a significant other.

I wrote some lines in a poem a fair few weeks ago.

It’s nicer seeing people

In front of your eyes.

With their act of yelling

‘Surprise! Surprised?’

‘Well yes!’ I reply.

‘It’s great to see you’.

Is the spoken word.

‘I’ve been so lonely’

The thought unheard.

Please tap on the individual photos below to enlarge.

As Nurses we spoke often of our feelings related to our professional role. But never about more personal issues. At home, confidentiality meant that traumatic subjects never got spoken about. Bottling up and keeping work experiences hidden was a constant phenomenon. What was strange? Hidden feelings became the norm across all personal subjects too. Comparison with the heavyweight work themes meant my own thematic problems seemed lightweight in nature.

So. Back to the book. The book is going to be randomly opened. Not avidly read start to finish.

‘Gratitude evades us because we are not grateful’.

I suppose it can be difficult to see something anew within the everyday familiar. What is developed and built for comfort, and ultimately results in what you hoped for. With luck and planning there should be gratification of actually creating and achieving the dreamed outcome before your eyes. Also. What is happening aromatically under your nose. What beautiful sounds enter your ears. What you can touch lovingly. What you can taste that feels delicious on the tongue. It all becomes everyday familiar sensations without thoughtful enquiry. Feelings of a reactionary nature get pushed down to a lower level. Yes. Expectation and focusing on the old routines by looking anew at what is present is very much far and few between. You simply plod on. Familiarity breeds nonchalance. The unlooked for outside events that impact the feelings in a negative way can be more alarming. Unfamiliar and diverse. They overwhelm the familiars. Even perceived future uncertainties of what may materialise can produce feelings of worry within thought processes. Yet they haven’t even happened.

After writing the above ‘Gratitude evades…..’ phrase down and copying a little ancient design of a horse image that was found painted on Neolithic pottery, I looked around the immediate room’s surroundings and inclusions. Gratefulness certainly entered the psyche with a whoosh. The room’s ambient qualities certainly took to gate crashing full on into the Soul, Mind and Spirit. Gentleness and Peace is the best way to describe the ensuing feelings. Holistically the senses are gratified. Not contentment. There are always thoughts there of the ongoing planning. But reading the ‘Gratitude evades…’ phrase, writing it down, drawing the naive art, sitting back and breathing with awareness for a short period tilted the body balance nicely. A Mindful period of having rested the mind from the alacrity that life can bring to the senses. Stop seeking in earnest, take a breather and be grateful that these moments exist.

My wife intends to use the central floor space in ‘The Den’ for her yoga practice. I am grateful that I have been able to contribute, by creating this room, for her to be able to escape, play gentle music, be warm and focus on her improving the skills learnt once a week in class. Burn resins, essential oils, joss sticks. Choose candlelight or low ambient bulb light. Continue her well being journey by having a place that allows peace and tranquility.