ANOTHER REVISIT. GETTING A BLOG BACK UP INTO PUBLISH STATUS THAT WAS PUSHED INTO DRAFT STATUS.
I WILL GET BACK TO WRITING ONCE I HAVE FINISHED THE LITTLE BREAK CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING. IT IS A BLOG OF ‘WHEN YOU REALISE YOUR STORY ISN’T OF YOUR OWN DETERMINATION’. A STRANGE REMINISCING THAT IT COULD HAVE BEEN SO DIFFERENT.
‘I belong here’.
I was giving thought to one of the ‘Affirmation’ phrases this morning.
Giving thought after this one little three word affirmation highlighted itself out of the others? Why this one?
I remembered undergoing surgery a fair number of years ago. It was found that the emotions were in strange places post surgery at that time. Having been told by a nurse colleague, whilst I was in recovery, that I had frightened them because my blood pressure was in my boots. They had to quickly load me up with intravenous fluids to get me stable. Sitting at home I suddenly had an afterwards realisation (nurse knowledge) whammy. I was actually able to be sitting here at home! I may not have been.
I grabbed the Buddhist Mala necklace beads and began speaking/chanting out the Medicine Buddha full mantra. Over and over for the intentional length of saying the mantra on each of the 108 Mala beads I was holding. Therefore 108 times. A Mindful exercise. Half way through an emotional full on crying episode burst through my spoken voice. It was a very private moment of seeking healing. I was also in physical wound healing pain. I was seeking to Mindfully override the acute transient pain by confronting it.
This morning, by reading and then thinking of the list of affirmations I had written down from an internet search collective, I realised words are followed by deeper, ongoing thought. They prod at you to find out why they need more enquiry. Nodding to affirm who you are or intend to be by simply stating words as in a Mantra fashion are not useful for myself. The words themselves are something to hang your hat/s on. By stating it doesn’t mean it is so.
What is important to keep in the subsequent thought processes, is positivity. A definite ‘no-no’ to negativity. It can’t have any place in order to strengthen the moments in these Mindful exercises. Alongside seeking why ‘I belong here’? It involves a synergy to support the senses and I find that they are always needed. Sound (gentle New Age music on Alexa this morning), Smell (a resin combination of benzoin, frankincense and myrrh), Touch (simple glue and paper to enhance inclusions in a journal), Taste (lapsang souchong tea), Sight (the journal), Mental affirmations (thoughts of why I actually do belong here within both these small surrounding inclusions and the larger picture of life). The quiet does not work for me. Even the simple scratch of a fountain pen nib is soothing. I often wonder if I could tolerate one of those isolation water tanks. With no active visual imagination (Aphantasia) I believe not.
Today? No deep focus. Just activities in giving oneself small delights in this present moment. Alongside thoughts on who actually appreciates my still being here and in existence on this little old planet. Breathing in/out/in/out gently and the consistent presence of every so often simply re-applying the act of saying, after each realisation and small conclusion, ……..
‘Yes. I do belong here…..’.
Gray Summers 
Wow Gray. What an experience. Unfortunately, it is one we share. Mine involved several units of blood to get the pressure back up (it was 67 over 0) when I walked into the Emergency dept. Amazingly I did not passout. Enough of that. The experience still deeply influences my thoughts and behavior. One gains a sense of appreciation for life, the little things that most people cannot grasp.
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Hi Danny. That was a close call! I suppose it can be quite a difficult life, alongside the good times, in different ways too. Especially as the decades go by. When you experience all that life can throw and still come out alright it is, as you say, a more appreciative view you adopt. All the best and thanks for your thoughtful reply.
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I can’t say that I practice mindfulness meditation in any formal way with any true discipline, but counselors have come in a few times to talk to us at group about mindfulness as a tool in addiction recovery. breathing, emotion regulation, paying close attention to every sight, sound and smell, it’s all really profoundly useful when you’re moving on your way to a healthier place.
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Your positivity in enquiry is fantastic cookie. I too never practice in a disciplined way anymore. It is like the guitar. After the focus on being in a band and it all ending, it was months on end of picking up the guitar only a handful of times. Another focus of making pottery came into play. Once I decided music should accompany the pottery in the form of writing stories to music about the mythological figures I made up? The guitar came back into life. I suppose I’m trying to say it’s ’horses for courses’. Holistically using each and every one of the available senses. You seem to have the character of being a seeker for well being cookie. You frame your own word stories too to make sense of life. Brilliant. All the best.
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